Crapplebee's

Sara and me can go to Rita's and eat for maybe $20. Not bad, good food, local restaurant. But we'd been sitting on this $10 coupon for Applebee's and figured, "Why not?"

OK, two quick reasons: 1) food and 2) almost everything else.

First off, Applebee's "flair" is ultra-realistic. It's like a Hard Rock Cafe, but instead of rock semi-collectibles, it's homey, American junkabelia.

Applebee's Flair Placement Rulebook:

#24: Each picture must be framed and location-generic

#25: For the crown shelving around the perimeter, Flair items must be overlapping each other, forming an unbroken flair trail around the building

#61: Please acquire local, authentic looking flair whenever possible. Fire departments, little leagues and schools are good resources. If impossible, place any local Flair closest to the entry way. Order additional approved flair from headquarters.


Not even the salads were vegetarian! The nachos were dressed lukewarm tube-cheese, and the artichoke dip looked like puke.

We boldly trudge through it. At least the Brewser (how clever!) beer was Steelhead on tap. Turns out it was a $5 beer.

Total price AFTER the coupon was still $32. I would actually pay $32 on top of that to undo the feeling in my stomach. And then another $32 to annul the whole situation. The only good part is that the chirpy waitstaff doted on Sasha. Awwwww.

Here's the thing, though. Applebee's was full of people. People who probably like Applebee's. A table of whitehaired old ladies who play cards for nickels. Some menonites (?) with a newborn. A party of 8. Kevin, the groovy surfing minister, who just got a new 10'6 single-fin longoard. Everybody was so happy and nice. Where was the seedy underbelly? Everything has a dark side, yes? Could it be so one-dimensional?

So, bemoaning the state of family-style restaruant chains not only unproductive, but probably off-base. Something's going on there that I am missing. What is it? Maybe the America from TV actually exists in a stucco restaraunt on broadway.


By the way, a Google Image search of "Applebees" is a good way to kill 10 minutes.